The 2 Insult Rule

- The basic ammo you need to walk away a winner

The days of the old west when two people would stand in the center of a desolate town, with holstered guns waiting to be drawn, at high noon, are fortunately gone for the most part, unless you live in a very bad neighborhood. However, while we can’t prepare you for a duel from the opening vignette, we can prepare you for a verbal shoot-out. One of the best survival tactics in an insult war is to always have ammo. Thus, you should always have at least 3 insults prepared when you happen to get into an argument. Crafting a great insult can stop your opponent dead in their tracks, after that point, they will give up, say a lousy retort, or run after you with a pick ax. Hopefully, you’re wise enough to avoid anything that causes the latter consequence. So what is the 2 insult rule?

Insult their…

1. Characteristics: Probably the most basic and common of all insults. It follows along the lines of… “You’re ugly”, “You’re fat”, etc. But those are cliché insults and should be avoided unless you really don’t have anything better to say. When you target someone’s characteristics, you want to be able to attack something that someone might have pride in, a good characteristic, and turn it into a bad one. For instance, if someone likes their new haircut, has a nicely shaped nose, or well balanced head, turn those things into bad things.

For example, someone might have a relatively well balanced head, but instead, you can say, “Oh crap, I can’t see anything in front of me, your heads in the way!”

2. Stupidity: If someone ever does anything stupid, illogical, or plain dumb. Do not let them get away with it. If this happens, use it with all your force. This is the best type of insult of co-workers that you have an ax to grind with. If they messed up an easy financial report or something, you can easily say, “Hey Billy Bob, what’s 2+5? (be sure to cut them off before they have a chance to answer and say something like…) Oops, I forgot that you messed up that report I’ll go ask Dale instead.”