commandments of comebacks
Ever had something so clever and so perfect to say to someone who clowned on you? Only you’re already kicking yourself and resenting the fact that you let that perfect moment in time slip by you. I’m afraid to tell you it’s already too late to redeem yourself buddy. You got your buddies disappointed in you, strangers laughing at you, word spreads that you can’t defend yourself, can’t look your girl in the eye. It’s a never-ending downhill spiral from there and you’re going to find yourself alone wishing you had said that ever-so perfect comeback.
Good news for you is that you CAN redeem yourself. Kneel down to your holy savior my son. Argueback blesses you with the commandments of comebacks.
- Do unto others as others have done to you. There is a really an ambiguous boundary between being comical and being a comical asshole. If this dude hit a sore spot with you, you’re probably shooting for the latter. However, if you and a buddy are just doing some friendly trash-talking, stock your asshole ammunition away for someone who deserves it, like maybe Hitler. Damn jerk. Figure out what your intentions are before you cross enemy borders and end WWII. Sticks and stones may break their bones, but words can never be unspoken.
- All about the delivery. You can have the lamest, most irrelevant joke, but still seem amusing if you deliver. The simplest enthusiasm or change in tone of your voice can mean the difference between that desirable “oooo” from your colleagues or “boooo” from your now former colleagues. For added special effects, put your insecurities away and risk looking a little goofy with movements that emphasizes your delivery. For example: If you start doing some goofy jumping roping when you say "yo mama is so fat she jumps rope with sausage links," you just raised the humor of that joke several times over.
- Quickness for the witnesses. Remember when you were kicking yourself for letting that moment in time go by? Thats because you lacked the balls (females can also be ballsy) to be confident. That pretty much sets in the hesitation that clouds your fragile mind to not be able to come up with something under pressure. You want to catch your opponent off guard so that you put the pressure on him and watch him squirm under the heat. Maybe have a broad generic comeback stocked away just in case you find yourself lacking balls again. Doesnt have to be something amazing, but definitely not weak.
- Like a fox...or Snappy the comeback crab! Outwit the foo. Be a strategist. The best jokes are jokes that suprise everyone and make everyone go "damn...that was good." Using what your opponent says and using it against him is probably the most common way to come off clever. Kinda like freestyle rapping, thinking up flows on the spot that is humorous is not an easy task to do, but you get mad props for it.
-Ouch, thats gotta hurt...or make something shrink. Hit it where it hurts and close to home. The amount of embarassment or stingis basically the determining factor of how onlookers and your opponent perceives your comeback. You sting him hard enough, its bound to shrink more than just his/her pride.
Disclaimer: Abiding by these commandments probably won’t get you into heaven, but hey you can be a smart alec in hell.